For Our Day

So, do you remember that song from the Seminary music entitled, "For our day"? Well, I am discovering new lessons from the Book of Mormon that are more poignant in my life than ever before. Today after reading, in fact, a while after reading, a scripture from Alma came to my mind. "...because of the exceedingly great length of the war between the Nephites and the Lamanites many had become hardened, because of the exceedingly great length of the war; and many were softened because of their afflictions, insomuch that they did humble themselves before God, even in the depth of humility" Alma 62:41. I realized that I have been on the road to becoming hardened because of this war and the situation that I often find myself in. Now, I do not by any means reliquish my right to question, probe and investigate the general situation of the policies surrounding the war, but I find myself changed. Coincidentally this discovery occurred on the same day that I FINALLY finished reading Anna Karenina, a book that I found terribly full of inane details but fascinating at the same time. In the conclusion one of the main characters, Levin, finds himself tormented as he searches various philosophies for the meaning of life and finds no peace. When he finally gives himself over to God and becomes a believer, he finds the peace that he so desparately searched for and realizes that the change of heart will gradually change the rest of his life and the relationships he has with those around him. I now know that I need to search the Book of Mormon more deeply to understand how to humble myself in these trying times. I think that coming to face the reality of sending Marc to war has hit me head on this time, something that has not happened in all of the previous deployments. Now that I have awakened to see things as they really are I need to hold on to what is most important and do what I can to strengthen our family and seek to understand how to best face this situation. Yes, with all of the wars in the Book of Mormon, my testimony of it being written for me right now has been greatly strengthened. Happy reading!

War Burdens

They say that those of us who stay on the homefront while we send our loved ones to war do a great service to our families and our country. Everyone always asks, "How do you do it?" as if it is an unsurmountable task that few can manage. Honestly, I have been wondering for the past few weeks how I am even functioning. Tonight is a night that I need desparately to write out my feelings as a form of therapy for my heart and soul. I am almost at a loss tonight after trying so hard to be kind and patient with my children and then feeling like a total louse after speaking quite sternly to my middle one for wetting herself for the second time today. In addition to everything I am feeling, she needs me to accompany her to the bathroom every time she needs to go. While I am usually willing to humor her, sometimes there are things that I must tend to, like getting the youngest to bed. Then, while saying our goodnight prayers, I almost broke down crying as I pleaded that our burdens would be lightened. I cannot do it all. You would think that after I don't know how many deployments that I would be able to handle this better. Haven't I learned anything? This is the first deployment that I have been exhausted for. Most of the time by the time the kids are in bed I fall into bed or on the couch in complete exhaustion. I have managed to read more than I normally do which is a novelty in my life. In fact, I may even finish Anna Karenina. Anyway, before I digress more....I am livid about this war and pray every day for it to end and for all of our servicemen and women to return home to their families. So many of us have already sacrificed so much and I wonder for what. I am feeling the strain right now and I know that prayers will be heard and divine help will be given because I want to be a better support for my husband and a kinder, more patient mother to our children.